Hawaiian Shish Kabobs and Time with Friends

Well, once again, it's been awhile since I've posted and I've been thinking about 100 different things I wanted to post about for my next post, but I wasn't motivated to write until now...after my heart has been encouraged a bit.  Funny how important even a little encouragement is for the heart and mind!
 
After a difficult few hours earlier in the day, we had our sweet friends William, Victoria, their toddler Micah, and their soon-to-be baby Liam over this evening!  :)  What sweet fellowship, especially when you haven't seen your friends in months!  :)  Not to mention, since my "Mommy clock" has been ticking a lot lately, I was thrilled to play with Micah and give him "lovies"! Micah's smile and laugh just radiate the room, and his budding personality cracks me up!  I can't believe I didn't get any pictures from tonight to share here!  He loves to smell things, especially all of our candles!  He loves balls, and he loved watching me juggle and then trying to mimic both the action as well as the little "circus" song I sang while I juggled!  He spilled his water all over himself and me on the couch, so I threw our clothes in the dryer and gave him the smallest shirt I could find of mine to wear temporarily and he looked so cute and funny in it!  :)  He's in the repeat-everything-he-hears stage, which is quite amusing, and he tried to dance when we did the Just Dance game on Kinect. I gave him a buzz-whistle thingy (don't know what it's properly called!) that we had for Tom's 80's party and I showed him how it worked; it was HILARIOUS watching him put ALL his effort and energy into blowing it!  :) We had a DELICIOUS dinner of seasoned & buttered new potatoes with grilled "Hawaiian" Chicken Shish-Kabobs (chicken, pineapple, green & red peppers - all marinated in some Hawaiian-type marinade)!  Yuummmmm!  And chocolate Oreo & chocolate Reece's ice cream for dessert!  Spending time with our dear friends was indeed a blessing and an encouragement! 

Sweet Micah

It's been a challenging past couple of weeks with all kinds of things going on!  A lot of friends and family members have been struggling with various things, which weighs on our hearts a lot. Tom and I continue to grow in our marriage and relationship, both working through our struggles and difficulties and embracing the memories we're creating together. I've had quite a bit of back and neck pain lately that make it difficult to function at times, but I pray that it will pass soon. I've also had quite a few nightmares lately, which I largely attribute to stress/anxiety, but I'm so thankful when I wake up that they were just nightmares!  Tom and I have been praying about a huge decision in our lives and it not one we take lightly; yet, it is one that is, as expected, causing some strife.  This is very difficult because the decision in itself is already a very difficult one and we do not want to make a move until we are positive that it is the Lord's Will for us, but it's also difficult because of the people it affects.  That's what makes it difficult to make sure that we are not looking at what we want (from our desires) nor what others want (from their desires), but what God alone wants for us. 

The Lord has definitely been working on my heart and trying to teach me to be more dependent upon Him and less dependent upon others. It has been and it seems like it will always be a difficult lesson for me because I have such a struggle with not wanting to disappoint other people. I need to quit seeking the approval of other people and seek after the Lord and His Will alone!  It is for this reason that I am taking a break from Facebook for a little while, and though I'm sure I'll feel "behind" on my friends' and family members' "current events" when I get back on, I think I'll grow and heal and have more peace and time to focus on the Lord while I'm off of Facebook. 

It's easy for me to swing back into old habits of negative thinking if I don't remain in the Lord (John 15) and if I don't keep praying and seeking the Lord's face!  "My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek." - Psalm 27:8 

God continues to pour out blessings and encouragement for me and for us. Recently, Tom and I met a new friend name Jeff, who is a pastor at a local church and who is well-rooted in the Word of the Lord. We had the opportunity to have him over this week, have dinner with him, "jam" and worship the Lord with him, and hang out. Since he is a pastor, I know it should not have surprised me, but we were greatly blessed and encouraged by both his friendship and praying for us before he left. 

Last Saturday, I had the amusing and blessed opportunity to participate in my dear friend Andrea's bridal shower via Skype. The shower took place in Maryland, but I could not attend in person, so one of the other bridesmaids offered to connect me to the shower via Skype!  It was rather fun and I enjoyed meeting so many of Andrea's friends and church family. Andrea is one of those tried and true friends who has one of the sweetest dispositions of anyone I've ever met and whose walk with the Lord has grown into something quite admirable. I think the most meaningful (and emotional) part for everyone at the shower, and especially for Andrea, was at the end where they all sat around her and prayed over her and her future husband Jay and the strong union they will have in the Lord. The wedding is in June and I can't wait to see my sweet friend married to such an awesome guy who treats her wonderfully!

Andrea and Jay

God continues to bless me in my new job; I continue to love it there, and love my team!  It's going to be a quiet summer without the students after the E-Term ends, but I'll still enjoy walking the campus during my lunch breaks, laughing at the ducks, and admiring the birds through my office windows.  I have a catbird who keeps landing the small tree right in front of my office window, looking in at me, and fluffing up his feathers to look all pretty.  :)

Last night, I had the blessing of spending time with my husband and my parents; we went out to eat and then to get Sweet Frog ice cream!  It occurred to me that I really don't know as much about my parents as I'd like to know, so I asked my mom to start telling me things about her childhood and younger life. She did, and it was neat!  I know I only heard Part 1 of many, but I look forward to the blessing of knowing my mom and dad better, especially after they spent so many years investing their lives into me!  :)

I'm glad I blogged again; it helps me refocus my mind on the Lord and remember the blessings He sends and ways that He delights in my heart even in the midst of difficult times.  Lately, I have been reminded of this verse and will continue to meditate on it:  "Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

And now I shall go to bed soon, reminiscing on my blessings!  :)  Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!!  :)  God bless you all!

Decreasing for His Purpose

As the year 2011 came to a close and as I finished reading the entire Bible in a year, I realized that a chapter in my journey with God was nearing its end only to continue quickly to a new chapter. As I mentioned in one of my first blog posts, our entire lives are made up of one chapter after another in which the focus is always knowing God!  For the last year or more, the Lord was very clearly teaching me about His Holiness (which must be separate from my sinfulness), about how much and all the ways He delights in me, about spiritual discernment in all things so long as I'm seeking Him, about the inerrant Truth of His Word and how every part of His Word fits together perfectly.  I love these things that my Lord was teaching me, and it gave me some amazing vistas into the heart of God. However, as you yield your heart to know God in one area, He does not let His relationship with you be stagnant - He is always working, always teaching, always delighting in you, always asking for your obedience, and always being faithful to His love and relationship with you.

As the year 2012 began, I quickly began to realize that a new chapter was starting in my journey of knowing the Living God!  The beginning of these new chapters is probably the most difficult because if you are walking with God, you start discerning the things that God is trying to teach you...and they are almost never easy things for us to learn because we have to break our minds away from our human perspective and logic and raise our minds to getting the mind of Christ -- this means we have to repeatedly confront our sin nature and lay down our innate pride.  It soon became apparent to me that the things God would be teaching me about Himself next were His Will for me regarding ministry and prayer...two things that are not exactly my strong points. I realized that to learn about these things, I would have to face the following:

* my introverted nature - a difficulty both for ministry and praying with/for others
* my own inner doubts about the power of prayer
* my desire to "fix" every problem and my frustration when I fail at reaching someone

What I didn't realize until the last few weeks recently was that I would have to learn another tough lesson before I could "progress" much further in my journey of knowing God in ministry and prayer.  I would have to learn to "decrease for His purpose."  Several things in my life brought this point to light in my heart in the last few weeks:  one of my devotions from "My Utmost For His Highest," some songs, some conversations, and some Bible verses that I've come across.

Below is the March 24th devotion in "My Utmost For His Highest" in which God first brought this message to light in my heart; I balked when I first read this and my first human instinct was to walk away and ignore what I read because it was uncomfortable; I didn't like it. But God kept resurfacing this message in my life through songs, Bible verses, and conversations. I suddenly realized that I essentially had two options:  face it with the perspective of Christ and remain in my journey with the Lord, or I could walk away, ignore it, live in disobedience to the Lord, and go no further in my learning about the Lord or prayer or ministry for the Lord. God was gentle, but firm, in His reminders to me that I would need to learn this difficult lesson; I am now in a state where I'm trying to yield my heart though it is difficult at times.  The devotion was called Decreasing For His Purpose:

Focus verse:  John 3:30:  "He must increase, but I must decrease."
"If you become a necessity to someone else's life, you are out of God's will. As a servant, your primary responsibility is to be a "friend of the bridegroom" (3:29). When you see a person who is close to grasping the claims of Jesus Christ, you know that your influence has been used in the right direction. And when you begin to see that person in the middle of a difficult and painful struggle, don't try to prevent it, but pray that his difficulty will grow even ten times stronger, until no power on earth or in hell could hold him away from Jesus Christ. Over and over again, we try to be amateur providences in someone's life. We are indeed amateurs, coming in and actually preventing God's will and saying, "This person should not have to experience this difficulty." Instead of being friends of the Bridegroom, our sympathy gets in the way. One day that person will say to us, "You are a thief; you stole my desire to follow Jesus, and because of you I lost sight of Him." <ouch>

Beware of rejoicing with someone over the wrong thing, but always look to rejoice over the right thing "...the friend of the bridegroom...rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is fulfilled. He must increase, but I must decrease" (3:29-30). This was spoken with joy, not with sadness--at last they were to see the Bridegroom! And John said this was his joy. It represents a stepping aside, an absolute removal of the servant, never to be thought of again.

Listen intently with your entire being until you hear the Bridegroom's voice in the life of another person. And never give any thought to what devastation, difficulties, or sickness it will bring. Just rejoice with godly excitement that His voice has been heard. You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it. (see Matthew 10:34)."

After reading this devotion, I thought "Wow, God - is this right? How can I truly follow this precept in my heart? You already know and have helped me with my esteem struggles." The Lord impressed upon me: "Do I not always delight in you?  Have I not always been faithful? You must trust Me and you must learn this." This was a difficult devotion for me especially because of the complex that I've developed over the years -- my difficulty with feeling like I'm well-loved or well-liked or feeling like I have much to offer/share with others. God has been helping me overcome this complex with His Grace and He continues to show me how He delights in me!  Even so, He has made it clear that this is not a lesson that I can ignore. I think it was especially the last few sentences of the devotion that spoke to my heart that helped me realize the truth of this devotion; I knew the truth behind the last part of the devotion because He had done this in my life, for which I am so grateful! I can't agree with part of God's Truth and not all of it. God's Word and His Truth is not a buffet where I can pick and choose what I like and don't like. So, God continued to prod at my heart in other ways to help me face this difficult point. The Bible Verse of the Day that was at the top of my blog on April 16th matched this recurring theme that I've been seeing in my life right now about me becoming less while the Lord increases:

"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."  Mark 8:34-35  (NIV) 

Humbling myself:  the prideful part of me really struggles with this. I'm not sure yet if the Lord is teaching me this to prepare my heart and mind for a specific situation or if He is teaching me to have this attitude in general.

I also heard this same message in some of the lyrics from the song "How Deep the Father's Love for Us":

"It was my sin that held him there / until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life / I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything / no gifts, no power, no wisdom,
but I will boast in Jesus Christ / His death and resurrection!
Why should I gain from His reward? / I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart:  His wounds have paid my ransom!"

I have nothing to boast about except for my salvation through Jesus Christ!!  It is difficult to yield my pride and my desire to be well-liked and admired, etc., and I pray that I can lay all of this aside to be not only a vessel for Christ, but a light that eventually illuminates Jesus Christ and not Letisha. I pray that as God continues to teach me about these things, I will be willing to lay my self aside for His Glory!

Behold Our God!

As I read through the entire Bible last year, I encountered many passages that I liked, many that I loved, and many that brought conviction to my heart. As I read through the book of Job, I was astounded as I read the plight of Job once again, and of course, my empathetic heart grieved for him. But when I got to Job chapter 38, I was incredibly humbled. Growing up, I had often heard the story of Job in summary or portions of it read, but I don't ever recall really reading through all of chapters 38-42. Unless you have read the entire book of Job and remember it, there is no way for me to express to you the power and conviction that Job chapters 38-42 bring to my heart and ought to bring to the heart of any human being!  I encourage you to read the book of Job and pray to God with a humble heart as you finish the book.

After Job goes through enormous trials and hardships and loses everything except for his life, he questions God about why he deserved all that had happened. He never renounces God as some of his friends and family suggest, but he also struggles with admitting any wrongdoing because he felt that his righteousness before the Lord deserved reward and blessings. Though Job had indeed been a righteous man before God, the Lord responded to Job in chapters 38-41 and made it very clear that no one is in a place to question God's purpose or plan and that no one has a true understanding of things in the world or outside the world except for God. The Lord responds with stern love and even sarcasm as he asks Job question and after question to illustrate to Job his extreme lack of understanding in the presence of a great God! 

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! 

“What is the way to the abode of light?
   And where does darkness reside?
Can you take them to their places?
   Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
Surely you know, for you were already born!
   You have lived so many years!

“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
   or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble,
   for days of war and battle? 

 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
   and satisfy the hunger of the lions
when they crouch in their dens
   or lie in wait in a thicket?
Who provides food for the raven
   when its young cry out to God
   and wander about for lack of food?"

These are just a few of the many convicting questions that the Lord asks Job!  When we are going through an incredibly difficult circumstance, we humans have a difficult time understanding God's hand in the situation and we often start questioning and doubting His love or concern for us. In reality, how very very little we understand at all!  I've encountered this in my life time after time, and I know as I grow older, I will continue to struggle with this; I pray that each time it happens, I will be reminded of this Scripture from Job so that my heart will be humbled again and again. It is only after I set aside my pride and it is only after I set aside my desire for the "rights" I think I ought to have as a human or Christian that I am finally at a place where the Lord can "become greater while I must become less" (John 3:30)...where He can lead me into a lasting relationship with God. 

The Lord chastens whom He loves (Psalm 94:12, Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 6:12).  Don't immediately get mad if you feel that someone is "judging you," especially if you are a Christian being rebuked by another Christian:  first, pray to the Lord and ask HIM if this is something that He wants you to change. Though the person who has rebuked you is also a sinner and may have many "planks" to take out of their own eye, it IS very possible that the Lord uses other Christians to rebuke us from our sin.  Though it is not fun at the time, I love the Lord's chastening and the conviction He puts in my heart because I know He is saving me from my sin nature every day as He is always teaching me something!  This does not mean He saves my soul every day (that's a one-time amazing life-changing event when you accept the Lord as your Savior!), but rather, He convicts my heart of the sin in my life that I will have to continue fighting as long as I'm living in this dying body in this dying world until He gives me a new body and brings me to eternal life with Him in Heaven!

Behold our God!  This is an amazing worship song that I just learned this past weekend on Palm Sunday while visiting my sister's church in Tennessee. This song is what reminded me of these chapters in Job that I love so much, so I want to share it with you!  I encourage you to play the video, close your eyes (or focus on the words in the song) as you humble your heart before the Lord!  There is no greater thing than being in a true relationship with the Lord and being humble and vulnerable toward Him as you entrust your life to Him!

I pray this song and the book of Job both encourages you and humbles your heart as it does mine!  Send me a message if this video doesn't work; it isn't mine and sometimes videos are taken down from Youtube, so I can try to find a different one if this one disappears.

God Bless you!

Strengths and Weaknesses - Not Superwoman!

As I think and pray about numerous situations for family and friends this evening, I've been on a bit of an emotional and spiritual roller coaster that ended up with me thinking about my strengths and weaknesses.  I started worrying that my weaknesses outweigh my strengths and how that plays out in my relationships.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul talks about how he had a "thorn" in his flesh that prevented him from becoming conceited because he was always reminded of his weaknesses, and though he asked the Lord to take away this "thorn" (which Paul perceived as a weakness and a hindrance), the Lord responded:  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  

"Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."   -- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

My soul is saved with the knowledge and faith that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that He died to save me from my sin nature so that I may be reunited with God; my mind is filled with the capacity to have understanding and depth of insight; my heart is full of compassion and empathy for others; I enjoy encouraging others; I have a heart that loves to worship the Lord; I have a detail-oriented mind and a love for learning that hungers to know God more; my mind is creative, which is useful both in understanding certain aspects of God as well as in relationships.  These are some of my strengths! But as I reflect further, I perceive at least several "thorns" in my flesh that I perceive to constantly hinder me:  my almost-constant physical pain and nerve-pain often make me impatient toward others in my actions or in certain situations while my mind and the Holy Spirit inside me are saying to behave otherwise; my lack of skill at managing my time between nurturing my relationships with God, husband, family and friends, and managing my time with work, house work, and a tiny bit of time for hobbies; my insecurity with believing that I am loved has been and continues to be a thorn in my flesh and constantly results in me coming to my own conclusions about how others feel toward me, which may or may not even be true; my pensive, introverted, indecisive and easily "socially exhausted" nature does not lend itself to having many close friendships - most friendships are surface ones - and then I go back to the previously mentioned "thorn" as I worry and doubt the extent to which any given person (family or friends) love me, or even like me; my tendency to run rabbit-trails in my head until I reach some decision or conclusion that often appears to be outlandish. If I allowed myself to remain on these thought patterns all the time, I would likely become a hermit who never comes out to have a relationship for fear of what everyone thinks or feels about me!

Praise God that His strength is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace is sufficient for me!  I may not be able as yet to know how to completely prevent my mind from wondering things like does this person love this other person more than me?  However, the tool that I DO have is the precious Word of God - His promises of love and grace and hope in spite of my weakness is what helps curb my fear. When I fill my mind with all the expectations I have for myself on top of all of the expectations that I perceive others to have for me, I am left a befuddled mess who has no clue where to start or how I can possibly spread myself so thin. I'm not Superwoman, I often tell myself. Whether some of those expectations are accurate or not, when I put all of that aside and focus on Jesus, all I have to concern myself with is His expectations of me. I'm hard-headed sometimes, so God has to remind me of this over and over, but when I finally focus on Him, the other things seem easier though I rarely can completely get rid of my sense of "failure."  I pray the Lord will help me with this as I continue to learn how His grace is sufficient for me and how His power is made perfect in my weakness!

A Voice in the Thunder

We've had some big storms in our area recently, including torrents of rain, accumulation of hail, strong winds, thunder, lightening, and tornadoes. These things raise a certain amount of fear in my mind but also a great amount of awe. My husband loves storms and does his own version of storm chasing!  During an intense storm recently, we tried to capture some of it on video as we drove 45 minutes to get to his brother's birthday party.   : )

When I hear thunder and lightening now, I hear the might and majesty of the Lord. I imagine Him lifting his arms, almost like a musical conductor, and saying "I am that I am! I am Sovereign - Alpha and Omega!" I hear Him saying "See my Glory! Be in Awe. Watch in amazement as I do wondrous things!"   I'm watching, Lord, and I am in utter amazement at your Glory and Mighty Hand!

He Delights in Me! A Great Adventure

One of the things that women desperately desire deep down, according to the previously mentioned book Captivating, is to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure!  And what I've learned from God is that you don't have to go out searching for those adventures...God will put you in the right place at the right time for a great adventure!  Walking with God is the single greatest adventure of all!  Being married is an awfully big adventure!  :)  Reaching out to others in Christ's love is another great adventure!  God may also send us more "adventure"-type adventures, if that makes any sense! Physical adventures that include some physical risk, some element of danger...and excitement! He can teach us all kinds of things through these adventures, including how to have a sense of humor and also have trust in Him in the midst of a precarious situation. God delights in me by inviting me to be a part of silly adventures and by teaching me wonderful things through them!  Such is the story of our adventure this past year at the park near where we live.  The following story was written on September 12, 2011.

The story of our adventure at Waid Park...sorry it's not well-written...I'm exhausted and just wanted to get it written down before bed.

"It's a beautiful day!" Tom said while we were grocery shopping after church. "We should go on a bike ride."

"Or a hike...so that the puppies can get out of the house," I suggested.

Later, after we put groceries away and took a nap, we left to go to Waid Park for what would be an unexpected 2-hour adventure.

Wally (back) and Crumpet (front) BEFORE our hike

First walking around the long track at the bottom of the park and unable to let the puppies loose in the soccer fields, the puppies eagerly pulled us forward, ready to explore.

Tom suggested we take a shorter trail off to the left that we had taken before; I suggested we take a trail to the right that we had only traversed part of before. In order to take that trail, however, we had to walk over a small trickle of a stream and through some muddy areas. I walked ahead first to see how bad it was and then came back to report that I thought it would be okay.  We picked the dogs up and carried them over the wet areas so that they didn't get all muddy. We got to a wider part of the stream and picked them up again to cross it. Thankfully, we were able to step on stones and clumps of grass to cross.

Well past the pristine soccer fields, we let the dogs off the leashes. We crossed what used to be a corn field and followed a long, grassy trail that led up a high hill. We walked through tall grasses and soft, spongy grasses, as we avoided cow pies and horse dumps.  We finally reached the top and the trail entered the woods, which was markedly darker than where we'd come from because the sun was setting earlier than we thought it would. Once in the woods, the trail led down a long, rocky and slightly treacherous embankment. At the bottom, we lifted the dogs to cross a third small stream and then started heading up an even longer, rocky embankment.  All the while, we were hollering ahead to tell Crumpet to stay with us.

Shortly after we reached the top of the hill, Crumpet took off chasing something through the woods, leaping and bounding over logs and through bushes until we couldn't see her anymore. Hollering after her for a good minute and completely disturbing all peace in the woods, we waited for her to return. Finally, she did return and was immediately put back on the leash. We continued walking along the ridge of this large wooded hill, hoping the trail would soon lead back to the main part of the park.

With all the tree canopy coverage, the woods were getting quite a bit darker, so it became more difficult to see. Just ahead of us and unbeknownst to us, Wally disturbed a nest of yellow jackets. All in about a matter of seconds, he came running back to us shaking his head (he'd gotten stung), and then Crumpet jumped and started flipping out (because she'd gotten stung) and then we see a couple of dark blobs in the air around us.

"Yellow jackets! RUN!" Tom cried.

Before I had time to see what he was talking about, we were sprinting down the trail as fast as we could go, calling Wally to follow us quickly. My heart was racing and adrenaline rushing.  I'd never had to run from bees like that before.  Tom finally stopped running and saw that the bees weren't following us, praise the Lord!  Wally kept shaking his head and from that moment on, acted extremely pitiful, upset and not wanting to walk anymore.  Crumpet kept moving, but also had to keep itching the bee sting on her back. Tom and I were amazed that neither of us got stung at all. Tom proceeded to tell me all about yellow jackets as the trail finally went back down the hill and turned back into a partially over-grown grassy trail next to another corn field.

Then, we came to what we'd been hoping we could avoid: the part of a trail where the Pigg River is much wider than the piddling little streams we'd crossed earlier.  Tom remembered that there used to be a bridge that crossed the creek there, but it apparently hasn't been there for a long time. There was no where to go except across the creek, not knowing where it would lead us, or go back the way we'd come.  We weighed our options.  I had never crossed a creek that large before, much less barefoot. We had two dogs who don't like baths, one of whom didn't really want to move much at all. If we went back the way we came, we'd have to climb all of those huge hills again and pass the yellow jackets again. Suddenly, I was more interested in crossing the river!

We removed our socks and shoes and rolled our pants up (thankfully, I had capris on, but Tom had jeans on!). I crossed first, and BOY, was it rough on my tender feet!  I guess that's a good reason to have calluses on your feet. The water was cool, but thankfully, not frigid! I almost slipped a couple times on the algae-covered rocks, but caught myself and eventually made it across. Tom started across, carrying his shoes and holding the dog leashes as the dogs swam across. We crossed right at a place where there were some small rapids, so I watched anxiously as my little Wally Bear struggled against the current. Crumpet made it across first, followed by Wally and Tom. Wally immediately cowered down on the rocks like he wasn't about to move one foot more!  He was able to rest a minute while Tom and I wiped our feet off a bit and put our socks and shoes back on.

We tried to hurry on as dusk fast approached, but it was a little slow-going since poor Wally kept taking several steps and then stopping and hunching down to the ground. Poor little boy!  We hoped and prayed that the trail would lead us back to the main part of the park because we were tired and concerned that our car might be ticketed or towed for being in the park after dusk (when the park closes). Or at the very least, they might close the gate and we'd be stuck in the park! The trail eventually led back to a gravel road that we remembered walking on another day and that is located on one far end of the park. We took the gravel road up another hill and had to decide to either take the very dark, wooded trail without any flashlights, or to go left on a continued gravel road that we guessed would lead out to the main road.

We decided to continue on the gravel road at a rapid pace to try to get back to our car as soon as possible, but much to my dismay, we were heading even further in the opposite direction of our car.  We slipped around a locked gate, discovering that we'd been on private property (Oops!), and finally made it back to the very busy and dark Six Mile Post Road at the bottom of a hill that cars always fly up and down. We were not done walking up hills. As we walked on the shoulder of the busy road, this hill seemed to last forEVER!  We kept hoping someone would come by and give us a ride! We finally made it to the top of the hill and entered back into Waid park (on foot) and started down the quarter mile or so road that leads down to the bottom of the park where our car was parked.Thankfully, the gate was still open!

We were slightly encouraged that other cars were still leaving as we headed down this road, so we were hopeful that all would be okay. Quite low on energy, the puppies trudged alongside us down the hill (finally DOWN a hill!). We still kept hoping that a ranger or someone would come by to ask people to leave the park and maybe give us a ride back down to the car.  We finally reached the bottom and were about to cross the parking lot when a park official finally drove up to us and said he was closing the park.

"Yes, I know, we've been trying to get back to our car for the past half hour or so," Tom told him.

We finally got back to our car and collapsed into it!  Back at home, Wally threw up on the floor, poor little guy and Crumpet was still itching at her sting. So, I took a shower and bathed them at the same time so that they could finally be comfortable and bed down.

Overall, it was a great 2-hour adventure, a surprise at every turn!   :)  Thanks for reading - sorry if it was boring!  It definitely wasn't boring for us!  :) Afterward, I pretty much just collapsed in bed!

He Delights in Me! A Recap

Below are just a few of the things that the Lord has used to delight my heart recently (some of which I already posted in Facebook)...  :)

Sept. 18:  Such a wonderful Friday evening and Saturday with friends and family! Unfortunately not feeling well now, but it was such a fun 36 hours! :) Greek Festival, my sister Tiffany spending the night & watching Avatar on our Nine-FOOT theatre screen, a GOOD 8.5 hours of sleep, & then day out with hubby, sissy & parents for Dad's birthday: Zoo, dinner, & Floyd Country Store for some bluegrass & dancing! :) Much-needed good times!


Sept. 23:  The book of Daniel in the Holy Word of God is awesome! I don't think I've read it all the way through before and it's been awhile since I've read the parts that I have learned before. Did you know that it is estimated that Daniel was actually around his 90s when he was thrown into the den of lions?? And the ways in which the Lord works in the lives of the powerful King Nebuchadnezzar and King Darius is just amazing to me.

Nov. 22:  (During the month of November, I posted on Facebook something I was thankful for every day of the month. This particular one stood out in my mind, so I wanted to share it here.)  Today, Nov. 22, I am once again overcome with thankfulness for my Lord, Jesus Christ and that God gave me the ears and mind to hear and perceive when He speaks to me. I spent most of my drive to work this morning in silence, praying for others' needs; I finally broke down and asked God to forgive me, but I had so many things on my own heart that I need help working through. He listened as I told Him the thoughts of my heart and my doubts and insecurities and thanked Him for listening and then I finally turned the radio on for the last 10 minutes of my drive. He knew exactly what I needed to hear. The words of the song that came on are still ringing in my head "...you gotta believe, He wants you to see that you are someone worth dying for." Thank you, Jesus ♥ I love you! 

Jan. 3:  for my last dulcimer lesson (yesterday) - at least for now while I start my new job - I learned my first "rag" song: the "Dill Pickle Rag"! haha so much fun! :)
 
Jan. 9 post after 1st day of my new job:  Waking up an hour later than usual = Awesome! 10-minute drive to work = priceless! During my drive to work, saw cute lil white ducks playing around a tree in someone's yard, dealt with NOOOOO Traffic problems, a beautiful and very crooked creek bending its way through someone's yard, and as I got out of the car at work, a "V" of geese flew overhead. As if they were greeting me! These same geese landed in Ferrum's pond and were honking like crazy when I left today! :) It will take a little while getting assimilated into the Admissions and Ferrum culture, but everyone was kind and I look forward to "learning the ropes" so I can be more useful there! My supervisor (who is GREAT!) and a couple other coworkers treated me to lunch and I had an amusing mocking bird hanging out eating berries on a tree right outside my window. :) To top it all off, I was HOME before 5:30 p.m. and again, NOOO traffic problems!!!!! Amazing!

Jan. 10: Day 2 at new job: Yes, the 10-minute drive still amazes me and had to deal with absolutely NO traffic stress either way! Today on my way to and from work, I noticed a gorgeous mountain view, a house with about 3 car-lengths worth of chopped up firewood in the yard, and a goat in the same yard where I saw the three white ducks yesterday! Today was already a little easier as I got connected to my computer and set up my voice mail, got a campus tour (to be finished later), turned in most of my employment paperwork, and got a special lunch-visit from my dear sister-in-law Ariel. :) :) We got to walk around campus a bit, go down to the duck pond and laugh at the ducks and geese. As soon as we approached, three white ducks (my favorite!) waddled up to us really quickly (probably thinking we had food) and then turned away when they realized we had nothing for them! We got to see our new friend Kat and I got my photo ID made! Still LOTS to learn and I pray that I will get over this virus that is still hanging on to me and that I will learn everything quickly and come up with lots of ideas!

Jan. 11: Wow! What a third day of work! There is such a high learning curve at my new job!!! Sooooo many things to learn, it's nuts! And I like it! :) I only wish I could learn it faster and hope and pray that my coworkers and supervisor will continue being patient with me as I learn! They're a great bunch of people, I just miss knowing what in the world I'm doing! haha I actually contributed something very small today, so Yay! hehe My drive to and from work was rainy, but still totally awesome, plus I got my parking decal today! I think it's funny that there is a convenience store right near the entrance to the college called Happy Papy's! haha Also, I called my doctor this morning and told her my situation, so she was kind enough to call in a second round of antibiotics for me without me having to go in for an appointment. Lots of things to share, but I can't put it all here or I'd bore you to death! :)

Jan. 12:  Fourth day of work and I'm loving it! :) Actually got a couple of things done and was able to contribute a couple of ideas in addition to learning more things! I can tell how much others enjoy working at Ferrum too, so that makes such a difference! While I was working today, a tufted titmouse (one of my favorite lil songbirds) landed on the outside of my window and hopped along it doing I-don't-know-what. He was really close to me and I didn't move! So precious! It's so nice to get home when it's still daylight, still wonderful to have such a lovely and short drive home! I love the way there's such a diverse presence of civilization along my 10-minute drive to work: 6-7 churches, huge and lovely plantation-like houses with lots of land and horses, farms, basic split-level homes and ranches, apartments, trailers, businesses, an antique store with an ultra-cluttered porch, and falling-apart homes that look like they haven't been lived in for decades!
 
Jan. 13:  Day 5: I finished my first week at my new job and I love it! I'm exhausted, but I know it's a really good sign when I feel torn about leaving at the end of the day! I noticed on my way to work this morning that the sun is rising behind me as I drive to Ferrum and on my way back from work this evening, the sun was setting behind me as I drove toward home...so the prettiest colors in the sky are always behind me when I drive to and from work! haha that means that I'm liable to have an accident trying to look at the beautiful sky behind me while I drive the other direction! Such beautiful countryside! So many happy and excited people working in Admissions at Ferrum and lots of excited people coming into the Admissions building for campus visits...lots of positive feelings! I met two of the football coaches today and they were both hams! hehe I love my new job! ♥

Jan. 20:  10th day of my new job! :) I'm almost official: I got my desk nameplate and name badge today; now just have to wait for the business cards! :) I am a little overwhelmed by so much to learn, but I'm loving it all so far! Still LOVE the drive between work and home! Yesterday, I saw the 3-4 white ducks waddling up their owner's driveway and it made me laugh. Today, I saw beautiful views of the mountains in the distance and a blanket of fog settled in a nearby valley. I love it here!

Jan. 24:  Oh, how I love the chapel bells at Ferrum! I wish I could think of the name of all the songs they play! :) So beautiful!


Jan. 27:  it just tickles me pink as punch when a little tufted titmouse lands right on the outside of my office window and looks in at me! :) Such a gorgeous day at Ferrum today!

March:  God's creation around the pond at Ferrum delights me:  I observed two male mallard ducks sitting in the water, facing each other, and quacking back and forth and sometimes quacking over each other. They weren't moving or doing anything else but quacking back and forth like they were deep in conversation!  Wonder what they were talking about?  Probably fussing because neither of them had a "lady"! Most of the time, you see mallard ducks in pairs - male and female; however, there are 3 male mallards at Ferrum that do not have a lady (maybe there are not enough females to go around!). These 3 males do not seem to have a "territory," so they roam around together. :) 

I love many kinds of birds, but for some reason, one of the "happiest" birds is the blue bird.  I'm always excited when I see one and am always in awe at their gorgeous blue feathers.  I love watching and hearing the mocking birds sing all of the calls of the birds in the area!  What neat ideas God has!  They mimic just about any sound!  The ones near our house mimic ambulance sirens since those are often passing our house to go to the rehab. Every time I walk outside on campus, there are birds everywhere singing their hearts out. The campus is always surrounded by music!

One of my favorite things to observe at the Ferrum pond is when the ducks plunge their head below the surface of the water to fish; meanwhile, their feathery booties and webbed feet wiggle in the air above the water!  I get especially tickled when I see the white ducks do this:  something just gets my funny bone when I see their white booties bobbing up and down above the water and their bright orange feet wiggling in the air as they try to plunge their head deeper.  :)  Along one point on the pond, a thick tree apparently fell into the water awhile back, and mostly (but not completely) uprooted. But that wasn't the end of the tree!  It appears as though the tree may have re-rooted under the water because there are many shoots climbing vertically toward the sky! The underside of the fallen down tree has spaces where ducks like to take shelter.

I always get tickled when I see ducks passing by right outside my office window, heading toward the bird feeders located outside my other office window. This one particular pair of mallards feed on all the seed dropped on the ground, but they will chase away any other mallards that come near. Also outside my window today, I was watching a squirrel precariously perched on a branch of the small tree outside one of my windows. He was scratching himself or something when he suddenly slipped or lost his grip on the branch, and he fell and quickly caught himself half-upside down on a lower branch!

The honey bees and butterflies are starting to come out along with the buds! 

All of these things make me smile or laugh and remember that the Lord delights in me! 

He Delights In Me! An Introduction

As I started walking closer to the Lord and started getting better at accepting, believing in and recognizing His great love for me, I also began to see all the ways He delights in me!  His doting on me is sweeter than anything I can think of!  He knows my heart intimately - better than I know myself! - so He knows exactly what will delight my heart. He knows exactly what will speak to the deep corners of my heart that no one else can touch; He knows when to press me and test me and when to send me encouragement. He knows what things to send my way to fill my heart with joy so that I will continue to recognize that He is always with me!  If my heart is right with Him, He knows that I will smile or laugh with joy and respond to Him with gratitude. Though I should be devoted to being His servant anyway, God surely knows that my heart needs encouragement along the way.

Me & John Eldredge at Roanoke's 2010 Extraordinary Women's Conference

One of my favorite parts about the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge is when they talk about how the woman is also made in the image of God (imago deo), just like the man, which means that her being/essence contains crucial traits of God. God placed some of His characteristics in man and others in woman, and before sin entered the picture, He intended for the two to go together perfectly just as they do in Him.  All women, from type A do-it-all-myself-career-valiant woman to the passive-needy-afraid-to-make-decisions-often-passionate woman, have an innate need to be delighted in!  Twirling skirts or out playing war games with the boys, all little girls want to know:  Am I lovely? Am I captivating? The longing to be seen.  "We are seeking an answer to our Question…Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, “Yes!” (Captivating, p. 47)  In this sin-cursed world, most little girls have their hearts shattered with a big resounding "No" to this question by some crucial person or people at one or more points in their lives (sometimes by their father - one of the worst wounds of all; sometimes by their peers or friends; sometimes by their husband). We're left wounded, helpless, and groping in the darkness for answers...for something, anything to cling to.

And so, just as Eve failed to trust that the Lord was giving her the best and falling to the fear that God was "holding out on her," Eve took matters into her own hands. “Having forfeited our confidence in God, we believe that in order to have the life we want, we must take matters into our own hands. And we ache with an emptiness nothing seems able to fill.” (Captivating, p. 50)  We may profess faith in God in public, in church, or even to ourselves, but we don't truly believe in the redemption brought by the Lord Jesus Christ. We cling to surface-things that have an appearance of stability because we still don't trust that God has our best interest in mind. What a sad journey this leads down for so, so many women. I was one of those women. If I don't keep my mind devoted on God, "...bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Corinthians 10:5), then I can easily become one of those women again.

One of the things that helped me step out of that sad path was reading this book Captivating and discovering that my need to be captivating and delighted in comes directly from the Lord!  God needs and wants to be captivating and delighted in just like me!  He wants us to choose HIM!  This need was not intended to be enslaving or something that would bring so much shame as it does now. Many a woman's fear is that she is "too much and yet not enough" at the same time! (Captivating)  God is grieved daily over all of His children who choose to be captivated by something other than Him. God desires an intimate relationship with each of us and it wounds His heart when we give Him a big, resounding "No, I will not choose you."  Hearing this message from the book and really hearing it from the mouth of God is one of the many things that God used to turn my wayward heart back toward Him.  He was all too familiar with the wounds I'd received in my past and how much I'd held onto my bitterness and sorrow; He was keenly familiar with my compassionate, empathetic heart (it was He that gave it to me, after all!).  So, God knew that me hearing this message would be a key component in turning my empathetic heart to a better understanding of how earnestly God wanted to have a relationship with me and how determinedly He had been pursuing me.  I, and nothing/no one else, had been the barrier between me and a close, intimate relationship with God.

John speaking at the conference

As you see in the picture above, I was blessed to be able to meet John Eldredge in 2010 when I attended Roanoke's outstanding Extraordinary Women's Conference!  John was, of course, one of my favorite speakers of the weekend and I was only sad that his wife, Stasi, couldn't also be there!  They are a blessing to me through their obedience to Christ by writing Captivating and Wild at Heart. I recommend both books to both men and women; God has definitely provided a powerful message through these two servants of the Lord!

 
Oh how the Lord delights in me!  And I respond with, "thank you, Lord! what do you have to teach me today?"  For these things go hand-in-hand.  There is never a time when God is not walking with me (or carrying me, sometimes); there is never a time when God is not teaching me something; and there is never a time when God is not delighting in me!  Because He is always delighting in me, I almost always have something to share about it, so some of my blog posts may be brief descriptions of things that the Lord has used to delight my heart. Oftentimes, the Lord uses His Creation to delight in me because He knows how much I treasure it, so you may often see these posts referring to things in nature.  So that's it for my "introduction" on my "He Delights in Me" posts, but I'm going to do another blog post on some of the things that have delighted me recently!  God bless you!

Air Guitar Rockin' for Jesus!

Even though it's been a little while since I last posted, I've thought about blog posts almost every day!  I've simply lacked the time (or health) to blog recently.  I don't have much time tonight before I crash in bed, but just wanted to post this video on my blog because I love it!

This video was shared with me by a friend named Euri, who I met in the Dominican Republic in 2007.  Yes, the video appears as though it's for kids with the animation, the style and simple lyrics, but every part of me loves it -- the child in me, the whimsical side of me, the creative/colorful side of me, the musical side of me, and especially the Jesus-loving spirit in me!  Picture me in full-on animation with an air guitar as I rock it out for Jesus!  That's usually how it looks when I play this song.  :)

The lyrics may be simple, but they are dead-on and perfect for someone like me who realizes more every day how much the Lord loves me and wants to teach me and delight in me.  I LOVE the line "...a million thoughts of love are flowing from the very heart of God!"  How precious to me are you thoughts, O God, how vast is the sum of them! - Psalm 139:17     His thoughts are of love for me, even though I don't deserve it, and how much He loves me to keep pursuing me and teaching me things despite my sin and hardheadedness!  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty [high] for me to attain! - Psalm 139:6  In fact, the same night I published my last blog post (later that evening), my husband happened to find this video re-posted on someone's Facebook wall and watched it; I heard it from my bummed state two couch cushions away, but more loudly, I heard the Lord's voice reminding me of His Gracious Love for me!  How wonderful to me are the thoughts of God!


You may have already seen this video, but whether you have or not, take a look and enjoy!  :)

Sometimes I rest in the Lord's love; sometimes I collapse/lean on the Lord's love; and sometimes, I rock in the Lord's love!  How about you?

Bummed

Ever have those days where you just feel bummed?  I haven't written a blog post in over a week and this one won't be very long, but I sure do have a lot I want to eventually write. Although I have been doing a devotion every morning and really liking my devotion, it hasn't been long enough or enough time with God...and I can see the difference it makes in my daily life.  Today, my devotion was about yielding. The bottom line is:  Do you yield to yourself or do you yield to God?  Don't fool yourself now because that does you no good. I need God every moment, every day; I need to remain in God, and oftentimes, I yield to myself instead of to God.  I have days where I feel bummed (or in my case, struggling with depression) even when I'm in a close walk with God, but those times are shorter-lived because I quickly turn my eyes back upon Jesus and He helps me change my perspective.  If I'm not walking closely with God and have a day where I feel bummed (like today), I could have a pretty good day, and yet the simplest things could drastically pull me down. I don't as quickly turn my eyes back upon Jesus, so I don't step out of that funk quickly. 

My heart has been burdened by many things lately, but I haven't really dealt with these things:  I haven't prayed much for the things that are troubling me, I haven't read the Bible as much, I haven't talked to friends much, etc.  I suspect that I haven't been able to write a blog post in over a week not just due to a lack of time but also because I haven't been spending as much time with the Lord. Every day, I can feel and hear and see Him calling me back into a closer fellowship with Him:  what it is in me that has a hard time trusting Him?  What is it in me that tries to steal my passion for Christ and keeps me from leaping off the couch in the abundant joy of Christ and determined pursuit of the Lord?  I am so grateful that the Lord is always faithful and that He knows my anxious thoughts (Psalm 139:23), that if His eye is on the sparrow, how much more He cares for me (Psalm 84:3, Matthew 10:31, Luke 12:7), and that He knows me intimately and loves me (Psalm 139).  My heart is greatly troubled tonight, so I continue to pray this verse:  "From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, O Lord, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 61:2)

Renewing of the Mind

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." -- Romans 12:2

This verse came to mind this evening as I sat thinking about what to write for a blog post. I haven't written in days, so I ought to write something, I told myself.  Yet, as I sat debating what to write (and knowing that I have a long list of things I want to eventually write about), I felt no motivation to begin. Lately, my thoughts have been leaning more often on the negative side.  Whether due to poor "training" or my melancholy nature, I have struggled with having a negative perspective for many years. This is another thing that our premarital counselor told me that I would need to repeatedly turn over to the Lord for help. He said I would need to learn how to re-train my mind to not fall into old habits. Over time, the Lord has taught me how to re-train my mind to rely on His strength, to see things through the lens of God's Word...in other words, how to think positively through the perspective of Jesus Christ!

Though I walk in a relationship with the Lord, I am unfortunately still stuck with my sin nature so long as I live on this side of Heaven. So, I have days where I don't feel positive and don't feel motivated to do much.  If I'm not careful, my brain will do what it does best -- take rabbit trail after rabbit trail of thoughts...in this case, negative ones.  If I'm not on guard and don't realize what's happening, I might miss some blessing the Lord has given me, miss something He's trying to teach me, or miss a way in which He wants me to serve Him.

After having a weekend that should have left me feeling rejuvenated and encouraged, I felt quite discouraged last night. My mind started going down all sorts of rabbit trails!  In my case, sleep was needed to bring things back into perspective. I had a pretty good day at work with a few minor frustrations, but nothing I can't handle.  So why was I all in a panic on the way home wondering what I would be doing with my time this evening?  I don't like feeling like I waste my evenings debating what to do and yet not feeling motivated to do much of anything.  I walked in the door braced for disappointment.  Tonight, Tom came to my rescue as he stepped around the corner and into the kitchen where I was standing. He had a big grin on his face simply because he was glad to see me. He embraced me and for the next two hours, he expressed his affections toward me while he rubbed my back, and while we had a humorous discussion about human anatomy, went to the grocery store, and had dinner. It brings tears to my eyes as I realize that once again, Tom is God's reminder to me that He loves me and cherishes me like Tom does...more than Tom does!

After he went upstairs to take part in his video game night with the guys, I watched a movie and then sat staring at my computer trying to decide what to write. That's when this verse came to mind.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." -- Romans 12:2

Have you ever read a verse so many times that you discover God's new revelations to you about that verse?  Depending on your circumstances or what God's trying to teach you at any moment, He may show you something else about a particular verse, or emphasize a part of the verse more than another in your mind.  I have read this verse many times and love it!  I think I may have mentioned it (and plan on mentioning it again) in my other posts, but for different reasons.

Tonight, this verse is more personal than ever; I'll try to explain how each part spoke to me tonight.  I should not conform to the pattern of this world: in my case, I should not allow my sin nature to dictate/control my actions or my thoughts.  I must be transformed by the renewing of my mind:  the Lord says to "Remain in me" (John 15:4), so I must always continue to dwell on the Lord, or return to seek His face when my mind has wandered. Remaining Christ-focused instead of Me-focused will renew my mind so that I have more joy, more understanding and discernment, and the encouragement that comes from the Lord.  If I do this, then I will be able to test and discern (discover and understand) what God's will is:  He will give me the guidance I need to take the next step that He wants me to take. I will be better able to understand and see the ways in which He is meeting my needs and encouraging me (such as working through people close to me, like my husband).  If I do not heed this verse, then He will still give me guidance and will still meet my needs and show His love and encouragement, but I will not be able to recognize or understand any or much of it.

As my husband told me this evening, each new day is a gift from God; sleep is a good illustration of God giving me the chance to renew my mind and wake up with a Christ-perspective in the morning.  Though I'm not perfect at it, I pray that with the Lord's help, I'm getting better!

A Joy to Be Loved!

Soon, I plan on blogging about how the Lord delights in me!  What a wonderful thing to think about!  But for now, I just want to share with you a few things about how God has recently reminded me that I am loved!

For many, many years, I struggled with understanding that I am loved -- particularly, how I am loved by God!  My search for love had been a desperate one. I wish I would have realized then what I know now!  After a change of heart and repentance of my ugly sin, I began to see His love more clearly as the days went by. "Your love is amazing, O God!" is now the cry of my heart!

The Lord has blessed me with a husband who strives to put God first; as long as he does that, he is able to love me the way God intended for him to.  How amazing it is to be a wife when my husband loves the Lord more than me! 

Over the last year, I've learned that one of my favorite things to do is to recognize the ways in which the Lord delights in me, the things and ways in which He teaches me, the way He encourages me, and the way He shows His love for me!

When I went to the mirror in our master bathroom on Valentine's Day, I saw this delightful surprise written by my hubby (I love surprises!).  Simple, but so meaningful and loving! 

(I took this photo after a shower so that you wouldn't have to see the ickies on our mirror!  :)  The photo on the wall to the left is from our wedding day when we were on the porch of Santillane together at some point during the ceremony. For someone whose perspective on Valentine's Day has always been one of sadness, even after getting married, this simple gesture spoke volumes to my tender heart!  I left this writing up on my side of the large mirror for about 2 weeks after Valentine's Day.  When I got ready for work in the mornings or for bed in the evenings, I looked at my face in the middle of that heart and felt delighted in!  I would have left it up even longer, but one evening this week, I came home from work to find a new surprise on the mirror! (I didn't take a picture of this one with steam, so please excuse the icky spots!)

In case you can't read it well with the background, it says:


You are so beautiful! I am blessed to have you as my wife!  God is working in my heart to love you better! Be encouraged, for you are loved!
                          - <heart> Tom

  
I was/am encouraged!  My heart swelled with joy and my eyes welled with tears! While I read this message, my honey was working hard on some much-needed cleaning in the house that I hadn't had time to get to. His actions match his words!  My eyes remained brimmed with tears as I realized that the reason Tom can love me like this is because of God. Tom gets his strength and inspiration and perspective and love from God, which means that any love that Tom shows me is really God loving me!  I now have an even better perspective on something else that is always attached to my mirror:

Back when Tom and I were doing our pre-marital counseling with Dr. Keffer, I was having some serious trust issues due to my past habits and relationships; many of my difficulties were a result of not fully understanding how/why God loves me and not loving myself either.  Dr. Keffer wrote this down on the back of his business card one day and told me to keep it somewhere that I would see it every day, and that I should repeat it out loud every day for as long as it took for me to really believe it. I did. Along with some other things, it helped a lot! Seeing the message from Tom on the mirror (previous photo) allowed God to speak to my heart anew and remind me again that He loves me deeply and that I can trust in His faithfulness! (By the way, I highly, highly recommend Dr. Keffer if you need help with anything! http://newbeginningscounsel.com/default.aspx)

It truly is a joy to be loved!  :) 

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A Crimson Stain

One day last week, my husband and I had pasta for dinner with breadsticks and a side dish of marinara dipping sauce.  We ate in the living room as we often do to watch a TV show together while we ate. After the show was over, I picked up my dishes and took them to the sink, intending on picking up Tom's dishes after cleaning some of the ones in the already-full sink. Before I had a chance to pick his up, I heard Tom cry out in frustration. He had spilled his dish of marinara sauce in the living room.  Thinking that it couldn't be too terrible, I finished washing the dish I was holding and then went to see the damage.

It was bad. It was hard to believe that much marinara came from one little bowl!  It seemed like it had multiplied its volume when spilled.  Several large puddles of marinara on the floor and a whole lot of splattered splotches spread out in many directions, including on the side of the couch and our ottoman. It was one of those moments where you stand staring at the mess for a couple of minutes in disbelief and dumbfounded. We worked hard to clean it up with what little Resolve we had left in the house; we were pretty sure we got the stains off of the couch and ottoman, but even now, there is a residual pinkish stain on the carpet where the large puddles had been. We'll have to rent a carpet cleaning machine soon to try to remove the rest of the stain.

Having already spilled orange juice in the living room only a week or less earlier, Tom was very mad at himself. I kept telling him that it was okay, that these were just things, and that we would get it cleaned up. It's hard not to berate yourself when you make a big mess or blunder, but the reactions of others around us can either make our anger worse or comfort our discouraged hearts.

Looking at the remaining stain on the carpet reminded me of how our sin appears to God. No matter how much we try to hide it or "clean" it up using our own methods or give it a new face or name, He still sees it. We can either try to keep hiding it, or we can accept the ultimate solution to remove the stain permanently:  accept the crimson-stained Grace offered by Jesus Christ, the Only Son of God, who died for our sins, His body covered with the crimson stains of His blood that give us eternal life.

Until we pass away from this world, we will struggle with our sin nature, we will struggle with our mistakes and failings, and we will be grieved when we see the results of sin in our relationships. When we have accepted Jesus into our hearts, the stain of our sin looks ugly and sometimes makes us feel angry and helpless. If the stains of your sins don't grieve you, then it's very likely that your heart is not right with God. We should ask forgiveness of the Lord and of anyone we have wounded when we sin, and then move forward with repentance -- correcting the problem, or rather, allowing the Lord to correct us.

Tom and I have cleaned up many stains from our off-white carpet:  mud, pink nail polish, orange juice, dog messes, soda...marinara sauce.  The marinara sauce had to have been one of the biggest spills we've had to clean up, but the process was the same as always:  sop up as much as we can with a clean paper towel and then use Resolve and a damp rag on the rest.  Every time we see a new stain, we must give it up to the Lord for He makes all things new! 

Fall to an addiction or old habit again?  Give it to Jesus!  He is a God of new beginnings!  "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

"He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'" (Revelation 21:5)

Holding a grudge or bitterness in your heart toward someone who wounded you in the past?  Give it to Jesus!  He forgives those who will also have a heart of forgiveness. (Mat 6:14-15) "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But, if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

It is the Lord's desire for us to love Him by knowing Him deeply and to love others. When a Christian brother or sister is discouraged or struggling with sin (even if they are blind to it), we ought to love them by encouraging them to turn their eyes upon the Lord for hope, comfort, and forgiveness upon repentance. How essential it is for Christians to be in fellowship with one another! The Church is not a building; it is the fellowship of believers, and it is God's bride whom He loves very much!  He intended for the Church to be full of love, encouragement and mutual accountability, not hypocrisy.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another -- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:23-25)

We are sorrowed by our sins and by the stains of our sins, not only because they serve as a poor witness to others for Christ, but especially because they grieve our Lord and Savior! Our sin seems to laugh back at us and mock the crimson-stained hands that offered us Grace and eternal life; it is right for us to hate our sin.

 "Though the sorrow may last for the night, His Joy comes in the morning!" -- from the song I'm Trading My Sorrows and taken from the verse Psalm 30:5

A "Light Bulb" Moment

A couple of months ago as I took a shower, I had another "light bulb" moment. (I often have these moments during my showers, otherwise, I wouldn't mention the shower part!)  I was reminded of this "light bulb" moment today, and I'll share the process of my thoughts from that evening with you. During my shower that night, I was thinking about all the things going on in my life right now and all the people I want so badly to care for and encourage and show that I love them every day. My trouble is that I only have so much time in a day or week! 

This concern got me to thinking about specific individuals that God has recently been calling me to reach out to. Then that got me to thinking about myself. Yes, you read that right. Straight from sincerely thinking about others to thinking about myself. I'm going to share something with you that I haven't honestly told many people. I have often worried about who would actually care if/when I passed away. I don't know how "normal" these thoughts are; maybe they are normal, or maybe they are an outpouring of my "melancholy nature" as our good premarital counselor described me. I wonder who would come to my funeral and what would they say?  I would like to think that they would say nice things about me, but would many even come?  Of course, life would go on without me, but I want to know that I made a difference in people's lives.

So, this is where my thoughts returned that evening after thinking so sincerely about caring about others. My brain immediately switched gears, and I started thinking "I think I'm doing pretty good lately. I've been trying really hard lately to care for others (which is true), so maybe there would be quite a few people saying kind things about me..."  Then I started thinking about the "crowns" I earn in my lifetime to lay at the feet of Jesus when I meet Him in Heaven.

I stopped. My mistake suddenly dawned on me. I made a potentially fatal error!  Yes, fatal!  If I had not realized my mistake, I might have continued down that road of asking myself all of those questions that contribute to a sense of self-pride instead of a sense of God-pride. The further down that road you go, the harder it is to come back.

I've heard many sermons and read many books and had many discussions about how you should always make sure that you are loving others, caring for others, and serving the Lord to have crowns to lay at his feet. These things are good and right, but what just dawned on me is that I absolutely cannot ask myself these things. I can't ask myself "am I doing okay? am I earning my crowns? am I being successful in earning the love of others?"  I should be asking GOD these things so that it is not turned in on myself and resulting in pride. Ouch. Yes, I can be doing many good things for the Lord, but I must keep my heart and eyes on the Lord and seek approval only from Him to avoid the deep fall of pride.

Perhaps I knew these things already, but it's just one extra little step for me to realize that when I do continue to try hard to reach out to others and love them and to serve the Lord, I can be encouraged by the Lord's approval, not by approval of myself. Never ask myself those questions. Only ask the Lord!  Ever since this "light bulb" moment, I feel a little freer whenever I remind myself that it matters only what the Lord thinks of my actions and how I serve Him! 

Dream Journal: The 13th Floor - A Dream about Grace

Introduction:   Due to a lack of time to write a post this evening, I'm copying a record of a dream I had awhile back, I think sometime between 2001-2004. I have kept a record of my dreams (or as many as I can remember to write down) since about that time and the dream below is the second dream I recorded. Any time I record a dream, I do it within a week of having the dream, but usually within a day or two of having it. I do this so that I am as accurate as possible with every detail that I remember from the dream. I find it even more interesting that at the time I had this dream, I did not know that many/most tall buildings do not have a 13th floor. Sorry if it is a little poorly written; I don't usually edit my dream logs but just write like crazy until I have written it all down (especially when it is a long dream). It wasn't until later that I completely understood the meaning behind this dream, but the overall theme of this dream kind-of falls in line with the theme of this blog...

Right before I woke up the other morning, I had a dream in which many of the details remain obscure. 

I remember getting abused, at least verbally if not physically, by several “bad people,” all of which were adults but threatening menaces.  I lived in a place full of them and no one was nice or helpful…in this place, there were either the victims like me or the menaces like those chasing, abusing, and lying to me.  Somehow, maybe by eavesdropping or hearing about it from another “victim” by word of mouth, I found out that there was another place where everyone is like a child even if they are really adults.  Everyone there apparently look like children and are innocent like children and that where they lived was a safe and good place to live.  I didn’t know what to believe about this place because this place in which I was barely surviving was so evil.  I had no home, no friends, no parents.  I did not know where I came from or where I belonged.  I had many questions, but no one cared, no one answered me truthfully, and many abused or ignored me.  None of my questions were answered. 

Everyone habitually deceived me, and so when I finally heard about this special place, I doubted if I should ever get there even if it did exist.  No one bothered to tell me how to get there. 

There was this huge round elevator (shaped like a cylindrical column) in which one half of it was on the outside of some huge building or connection of buildings and the other half faced the inside of the building or connection of buildings.  The elevator was mostly see-through (with the exception of a lot of metal bars) and so you could kind of see where you were heading, but not clearly.  The elevator stopped at many floors because it could go up so high.  However, there was one missing floor at which the elevator would not stop, nor did the elevator have a “button” for this floor:  the 13^th floor.  

The 13^th floor as I soon found out was apparently that special place where everyone is like children.  The 13^th floor was like another world.  Evidently, there was a particular way to get to the 13^th floor (and the only way to get there was by using the elevator, which didn’t even have the option to stop at a 13^th floor).  Only certain people could get to the 13^th floor, and only certain people knew what to do to get the elevator to go to the 13^th floor. 

Since I was living in such an evil place, my only hope was that I could somehow figure out how to get to this special place of children that I didn’t know whether or not it really existed (since people always deceived me); how to get to this 13^th floor that the building or connection of buildings didn’t have and at which the elevator might or might not stop.  So I spent all of my time running away from the “bad people” who were “bad” to me and trying over and over to get to this 13^th floor.  Every time the elevator would be around the 11^th floor and going up, I would close my eyes tight hoping that the elevator would stop at the 13^th floor.  Sometimes, some of the “bad people” would follow me onto the elevator to scoff at me while I tried to find the 13^th floor and they would say things like “You’re putting your hope in something that doesn’t exist. Some good that will do you.  Just forget it.  You don’t belong anywhere.  You’ll never get to the 13^th floor. There is no 13^th floor.”  But what else was I to put my hope in?  There were so many things I didn’t know or understand and never would in this place I was living because I was always deceived. 

One day I was running and trying to escape severe abuse and my possible murder by the “bad people” and they were chasing me but lost me when I slipped into the elevator.  But those “bad people” are sneaky and tricky individuals.  I was catching my breath once the door of the elevator closed and started moving upwards.  I stood there in anticipation and wondering what I should do.  At the 5^th floor, the elevator stopped and one of the “bad people” stood there with an evil grin on her face; she was a woman dressed all in black and had a big black head of hair and what was more intimidating:  she towered at least 3 feet over me.  I do not know how old I was at the time, but perhaps a teenager since I know I was not an adult nor an actual child either; either way, this “bad woman” seemed like a giant monster to me.  She stepped inside the elevator and I had two choices:  stay trapped in the elevator with her or step out into the 5^th floor (it could have been any other floor as well, except for the 13^th of course) and risk getting caught, abused, and maybe even killed by the “bad people.” 

I do not know why, but I was under the impression that on this particular day they feared something about me (although they did not show their fear, but rather their dominance over me due to whatever their fear of me was) and so they were trying to kill me now.  I do not know how I knew this, I just did.  And so I was trying to escape.  To where I didn’t know because I had lost most of my hope in finding the 13^th floor by this time.  I had hoped that the people on the 13^th floor would answer all my questions and take care of me, but if I couldn’t get to the 13^th floor or if a 13^th floor didn’t even exist, then I obviously didn’t belong there and could not escape to it.  

So to give myself more time to think, I decided to stay on the elevator with the “bad woman.”  I guess there was some rule or something that prevented her from physically harming me in any way so long as we were on the elevator.  But I had no doubt that she would follow me wherever I finally got off (for I could obviously not stay on the elevator forever) and then either take me to the other “bad people” or just kill me as soon as we got off the elevator.  I pushed the button to the very highest floor, which was some very large number, and intended to keep going up and down until I figured out something to do.  A tear ran down my face.  I was desperate for refuge.  I quietly ran my fingers along the buttons to all the floors and my hand paused over the buttons for floor 12 and 14 and wishing with all my heart that there was a button for a 13^th floor.   

Meanwhile, the bad woman snorted in disgust and scoffed at me calling me names and saying in a more anxious and earnest voice than I had ever heard before:  “You don’t know how to get there. Give it up!  You don’t belong anywhere; no one wants you.”  There was something different in her voice; I had heard her as well as others scoff at me before and say similar things, but this time her voice seemed more forceful and full of anxiety.  I also noticed something different in her remarks.  She didn’t say (like they usually did) that the 13^th floor didn’t exist; she only said that I didn’t know how to get there…which means that there was a 13^th floor!  Didn’t it?   

I scowled at her and then faced my back to her and pressed the front of my body against the side of the elevator and pushed my face up against the glass and looked out as the elevator moved upwards; we had already passed the 14^th floor by this time and so I realized that I’d have to wait until we came back down for another chance to try to get to the 13^th floor, although I still didn’t know how.  I continued looking out the glass walls of the elevator and trying to ignore the sneering comments from the woman in black when the elevator suddenly did something weird, like a little jolt or something.  I looked back at the bad woman in alarm wondering what she had done, but I saw that on her face was an equally alarmed expression.  I quickly turned my face back to look outside the elevator.  I could not make out what was happening or where we were going, but it looked to me like the column of floors disappeared and that the elevator was no longer moving in the same building or connection of buildings.  I closed my eyes and placed my hands flat on the round walls of the elevator and after a couple more jolts, I ascertained that the elevator was moving sideways!   

I had never heard of any elevator moving sideways!  I glanced back at the bad woman wondering if she did indeed have something to do with this odd event, but her face remained alarmed and then she suddenly panicked.  She shot a piercing glare at me and then stepped forward, shoved me aside into the wall, and then like a maniac started to push every button that was on the panel of the elevator.  Then she stepped back in anticipation and I just stared at her in horror and cowered against the far opposite side of the elevator from her.  Alas, all the buttons she pushed were unresponsive.  Some other force had a hold of the elevator and I became rather alarmed as well. 

The elevator traveled sideways for quite a while and moved at a quicker pace.  Finally it started to slow down and come to a halt.  Standing on opposite sides of the round elevator, the bad woman and I looked at each other with different expressions:  my own was one of anxiety and confusion, while hers was mixed with anger, resentment, and even shock.  I looked out of the elevator and tried to see where the elevator had taken us and suddenly the door began to open.  I peered out of the open doorway to see a softly lighted hallway that had tan-colored walls and reddish carpet.  The hallway went down a ways and then turned to the left.  What was different about this than any other floor at which the elevator stopped in the connection of buildings we had left was that there was no visible action, no people, and something else for which I couldn’t immediately think of the words.  The door also did not close after being open for a minute either like it usually did, for I was certainly standing there peering out from inside the elevator for several minutes while the bad woman stood there glaring at me as if she was either going to burn me into the floor with her stare or pounce on me at any moment.   

I looked back to the hallway and suddenly I saw the small lights in the hallway blink at me and I realized what the feeling was that I couldn’t previously describe:  it was a sense of being welcomed, encouraged.  A sense of belonging.  Upon realizing this, I immediately started moving towards the doorway of the elevator even though I was not quite sure where I was.  As soon as I moved forward, so did the bad woman, who reached out with both arms to grab me and keep me inside the elevator, which of course gave me all the more reason to want to leave the elevator at this floor no matter where I was.  She continued pulling on me, maintaining her death grip on my arm, grabbing at my hair, and kicking my legs so I would stumble.  With all my willpower, I struggled to step out of the elevator and I finally made it halfway out the doorway.  The woman’s hand was still holding me and so was halfway out of the doorway too, then she quickly let go and pulled her arm back inside the elevator.  I stumbled forward after she let go and then stood up outside the elevator looking in at her with a look of triumph on my face.   

“What are you looking so smug about?  You’ve gotten yourself nowhere, except to a deserted place where you will starve and die anyway.  Stop being foolish.  Come back in here at once!”  the woman said forcefully.  

I shook my head and stood there free, knowing somehow that she was unable to follow me outside of the elevator—whether she was electrically shocked or something when her hand crossed the elevator doorway, I do not know, but it was obvious that she could not join me outside the elevator.  I confidently turned my back to the elevator and started to walk down the hallway.  As soon as I turned my back to the elevator, I heard the door close and the sound of the elevator starting to move away, along with muffled sounds as if someone was banging angrily on a wall.  I heard it all, but did not look back.  I had no desire to.  

I continued down the hallway until it turned left and I continued to follow it into a room with a single brown wooden desk and a girl behind it who looked like a teenager too, yet like a child.  She was bent over a paper writing something, with a smile on her face.  I had no clue who she was, but there was something very warm about her appearance.   

I ran up to her around the desk and threw my arms around her neck and started to sob.  I had no idea what had overcome me, but I continued to sob in her hair and neck and I said “I’ve found you at last.  Please don’t send me away.  I have so many questions.  Will you answer them?  Will you take care of me?  Where am I?  I’ve searched for so long for a place to belong!”  I felt like a little lost child.

After a few minutes, the girl gently pulled me away from her neck and looked sincerely into my eyes.  She said softly, “Do not be afraid, my dear.  You are safe now.  We’ll take care of you and answer all of your questions.  We’ve been expecting you.  You belong here, child.”  The girl stood up and with her arm around my shoulders, led me around the desk and towards a door in the room.  I glanced back at the desk as if wondering what had just come over me in that fit of emotion.  As I glanced back, bright and colorful words appeared on the front of the desk that said “13^th Floor.”  I quickly looked back at the girl’s face next to me who smiled at me knowingly as if she knew what I had just seen.  

I made it!  I had been through so many hardships and abuse and had never belonged anywhere, all the while seeking for this place that I had only heard of through rumors and striving to reach it my whole life.